I’m still reeling from my recent Vegas trip; I’m on the verge of experiencing mother nature’s way of saying eff you to every woman, every month; and quite honestly, I’m probably suffering the after effects of all the alcohol I drank this weekend – alcohol is a depressant kids, don’t you ever forget that.
Regardless of my circumstances, I’ve found myself undeniably and deeply saddened today. I’ve been doubting myself since the moment I woke up. I keep thinking
“What are you doing Christine?
How are you even progressing, healing, improving?
What are you doing with your life?”
You know, I’m basically trying to get my life together – it’s obviously in shambles. Let me clarify, I need to get my love life together, every other aspect of my life is actually in-order. That’s usually how it works, isn’t it? It’s life’s sick joke, very rarely do all aspects of your life align completely and perfectly – I have faith that one day it will. Until then, you’ll find me desperately trying to piece together what I have and seek what I’m missing.
As much as I’d like to say I’ve endured the pain by myself and persevered without assistance from others; I haven’t, it would be a lie if I were to tell you otherwise. I’ve found comfort in the closeness of another, used his affection and attention to help sustain myself from the pain I felt. I allowed his words to fill the emptiness I felt inside, the love that I lost. I rebounded, I rebounded so incredibly hard – I would’ve broken records, if it was a sport.
I don’t regret it, it’s what I needed at the time and it helped me move forward. Was it wrong? Possibly, I shouldn’t be looking for a permanent solution within a temporary relief. So this ties into the title of this post, I’m scared to be lonely. I’m absolutely and wholeheartedly petrified of feeling lonely BUT when I think about it, I’ve been emotionally alone for quite some time. I invested the bare minimum in this situation, at least emotionally – so what else do I have to lose?
It’s inevitable that things either come to a close or they’re catapulted forward. To be honest, I don’t know which way I want things to go. I don’t know if I’m ready but we’re definitely going to be finding out shortly…
P.S. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the song “Scared to be lonely” by Martin Garrix, I recommend you listen to it here. Disclaimer: you may or may not be thanking me for it, sorry if it’s the latter.