I’m fresh off a heart break hotel visit. I ask that you excuse this overly dramatic post – it’s currently helping me formalize my thoughts and sort through my feelings, I do apologize if it bums you out. You have been warned.
I gathered my things when he was away, sent a cowardly text and told him it’d be best this way. I wanted to have an adult conversation about it, I planned on sitting him down and pouring myself out on the table; all my thoughts, all my fears, all my desires. We were in this relationship for over a year, you think it would’ve been easy. I failed, several times. What started as a casual hookup transpired into something I would’ve never imagined. There were things I avoided telling him this past weekend, text messaging only got me so far. I don’t think I’ll have another opportunity to express myself so I figured I’d share with you all, because why not? If I could face him now, this is what I’d say.
I’ve had this conversation in my head several dozen times. I don’t know where to start or how to start and I’m sorry if this is coming out like word vomit. I was a bad friend to you and for that I’m sorry. I wasn’t entirely honest when you asked me to tell you what went on in my head. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to tell you exactly how I felt whenever I felt it. I was scared; scared to see your reaction, scared to put extra pressure on whatever we had. I wanted you to continue to spend time with me, I didn’t want my insecurities to start impacting how you thought of me. I’m just like any other girl you’ve been with, I want what they want. In fact, I want more.
I loved what we had. I loved the way you smiled at me, loved how you’d pull me closer when I tried to get out of bed, I loved how you kissed my forehead to wake me up some mornings. I loved how our feet would always seem to find each other under all the blankets.
I never told you this, but part of me loved you.
I never mentioned it because I know that you’d never love me the same way. Your heart would never fully belong to me and I struggled with that concept. Every kiss I stole, every time I’d hold your hand, hug you from behind, every time I ran my fingers through your hair and watched you fall asleep – I did it out of love. I’ve told you before, I wanted all of you.
I understand that it’s not entirely possible given our predicament. It’s not fair for me to ask this of you. You’ve given me enough, you’ve helped me through the hardest part of my life. For that, I’m externally grateful. So this is where we go our separate ways. I don’t think you’ll ever really understand how difficult it was for me. I hoped for more, prayed for more but I get that sometimes things just don’t work out. Let things organically transpire, you’d tell me; it could’ve been my impatience and/or my insecurities but I just couldn’t risk the rest of my heart. I really hope that one day our paths cross again and maybe then we’ll both be in a better place.
& that my friends is how I roll – loving hard since 1986.